it's a hard knock life!

You know sometimes it's easy to forget that im not the only person affected by Ashtons autism.. In most cases I am the one dealing with him when he has an outburst or just having a good or bad day!  But I have on occassion forgotten that others are affected by his Autism too.  No one is more affected than Ashtons older brother!  Taylor sacrafices so much for his baby brother, more than he even really knows!  Taylor has always been an amazing big brother, and of course they fight and yell at each other like normal siblings do.  But Taylor has given up so much that he doesn't even know about to be Ashtons big brother..  Before Ashton was born Taylor, Jesse (my husband), and I would go on trips, we would drive all night to go visit family, we would take off and go to the movies or the zoo or just somewhere that Taylor wanted to go.  We went to the movies alot when Taylor was little..  He was watching Star Wars when he was 3 and loved it!  He was always such an outgoing kid and he still is he just doesn't get to go to all the places we did before.  Taylor was 5 when Ashton was born, he had just started kindergarten and was so excited that he was gonna be a big brother.  He told everyone that when his little brother got here that he was gonna teach him how to play video games!  I tries several times with no success to tell him that it would be awhile before Ashton could play games.  When Ashton was born I knew right away there was something different about him, I never really knew he had Autism but I knew that he wasn't like Taylor.  I have heard the no siblings are alike story a million times, but that didn't change my thinking.  Ashton didn't like to be touched, he didn't like loud noises,  he was always cranky it seemed that nothing made him happy!!  He didn't start crawling until he was 9 months didnt start walking till he was 13 months old which is normal for some kids.  He didn't start really talking till he turned 3 and he didn't using spoons and forks until last month (sept).  It's been a difficult almost 4 years to say the least.  But Taylor has had to be the calm and patient brother..  He has endured Ashton hitting, bitting, scratching, yelling, throwing, taking toys, books and games away from him and for the most part he has done it with a kind of grace you would never expect a kid his age to have..  He has gotten mad on occassion but hell who wouldn't.  I applaud my 9 year old son for being the wonderful, understanding, sweet and caring person that he is and I hope that he always will be.  He is wise beyond his years and he has got a difficult life ahead of him!!  He doesn't know it yet but he will become more than a brother to Ashton he will become his protector!!  I know in time there will be someone to try and hurt Ashton because of his difference and Taylor will be the one that Ashton looks to.  He will have to endure people talking and making fun of his baby brother for his Autism and that won't be easy for him nor myself and Jesse.  Taylor asked me earlier why we can't go on a family vacation to Disney World?  I told him that Ashton would be to scared to go with all the people dressed up as different charectors,  he shakes and screams when we go to a place that has a mascot or charector around.  Then he says why can't we go to Hawaii as a family!!  I explain to him yet again that Ashton can't fly right now he doesn't like being concealed in one place for long!!  And he would be scared of the  turbulance.  Things like that, that we could have done before Ashton was born are just not posible right now!!   I am so proud to be Taylors mom and I think I will learn just as much from him as he learns from me!!  I love my life and wouldnt change it for a sec!!!

behavior and discipline

So I can't even count how many times I have gone out somewhere with Ashton and he ends up having a freak out at a restraunt, or a store, or a family members house!  And on almost every occasion I have had someone tell me that I need to discipline my son!  I have dealt with so much drama on both sides! Family and strangers but it never seems to get through to some ppl!  Some ppl just have to voice their opinion and I have said this many times ( your opinion is not wanted here unless you have a child with Autism).  I have read articles online about families being kicked out of places b/c their Autistic child had a fit of some kind.  I would gladly tell someone my exact feelings if they didnt like being around my Autistic son!  I love my little boy so much and I dare somebody to treat him badly! He is so special in more ways than one!  Thanks to everyone who accepts him for the way he is, and not judging me for my discipline techniques!! It means so much to have the moral support of my friends and family!! One of my biggest lifelines has been my amazing friend Ruth Ochoa!! She has helped me through more than she knows!  Being a mom of a 3 yr old is hard in itslef, adding a Autism Spectrum Disorder to that is even worse!! I have a hard time most days but I wouldn't trade my sweet little monster for anything in the world!!

Ready or not!

Sometimes life comes and goes by very easily, Other times it's a little more difficult.  Well since 2007 my life has had so many amazing things in it!  For starters my wonderful son Ashton!  Regardless of his Autism he is still my little man and I wouldn't trade him for the world! But the last almost 4 years have not been easy by any means.  I have dealt with a roller coaster of emotions with my family and friends!  It's so hard to get out of bed sometimes because I have a constant reminder of what's coming when I do!  Ashton is one of the 3 loves of my life! My little man since the day he was born, but dealing with him on a daily basis is so frustrating sometimes.  He gets so angry so easily and usually over something really strange!  For example: When we go to the grocery store and walk up to the automatic door, well if someone steps in and opens it before he does then it's like all hell has broken loose!  It doesn't do any good to try to calm him because he simply refuses to let it go!  He is very stubborn and he will not back down!  So traveling isn't always the easiest thing for us.  He doesn't like to sit for more than a few minutes and if he is not entertained every second of a trip then in comes the screaming!! I have been seriously thinking about either starting or joining an Autism support group.  Because not everybody knows or understands what it's like and it would be nice to be around people who don't look at you like your crazy for allowing your child to scream in public.  It's so hard to be a mom of an Autistic child.  But it also has such wonderful rewards.  The light that glows in his eyes when he gets excited over something as simple as a door opening and closing.  Looking at a flashlight glow on the walls, opening gifts or seeing pretty pictures.  There are so many amazing and exciting different things to learn and watching my son learn them in his own unique way just feels my heart with joy and love.  I have of course lost my temper a few times with him, and I always feel horrible when I do but it's a hard job, and the hours are long and hard.  I worry sometimes if Ashton will get worse as he gets older.  The child psychologist says that he believes Ashton's case will improve as he gets older but there is always that chance where he can get worse and have full blown Autism instead of the partial Autism that he has now..  But ready or not it will come and I will cross that bridge when I get to it!  I write this blog to try and help anyone who might have problems or concerns for their own children.  Questions and comments are always welcome.  I appreciate you all letting us into your lives and I hope that one day I will really be able to help the Autistic community.

public freakout

So I was at the store a few days ago and Ashton decides to have a melt down!  Well I have ways of approaching him when he has a public freakout!  Then this woman I have never seen before comes up and tells me I should spank him and he wouldn't act like that!  First of all yes he would! Spanking doesn't help him in anyway shape or form!!  He is not wired like every other kid he is unique! Spanking would just make it worse! But this woman thinks she can come up to me and tell me whats best for my son! So as politely as I can manage I tell her that he is Autistic so maybe she will walk away!  No I was not quite that lucky!!! Instead she tells me that her grandson has autism and he never acts like that! I was absolutely appauled by this womans behavior!  Who does she think she is telling me how to discipline my son!  Unless she is raising her grandson then I really don't want to hear her advice!  And after almost 8 mins of pure torture listening to this woman she has to walk away because one of the kids she came to the store with was missing!! She wants to stand there and lecture me on parenting and she can't even keep up with her own! I was so upset when we finally gott to walk away! I told my husband "who the hell does she think she is" I couldn't believe someone could be so rude! But then again I guess there are those people all over!  First of all and I have stated this before unless you are the parent of an Autistic child then keep your parenting tips to yourself! You have no idea what I go through on a daily basis! So please keep your advice and your comments to yourself!! 

how do you stop the inevitable???

Today was the last day of school! For most kids and families that is exciting and fun. For me and Ashton however it's a nightmare!  If Autistic children require a strict routine that is almost the same from day to day then how will we cope?  Tomorow morning he will wake up and expect to go to the bus stop.  I dread the next week because he will have to start on a whole new routine and it will really be dificult! But I am a strong mom so I will handle it there's no question about that!  But it does make me wonder!  Are there any special programs speciffically for autistic children?  Something to keep him in his routine for the summer! I will be doing some major research to find a program for him!  I hate that he will be off his routine but I am gonna try to make this a wonderful summer for all of us!  I am so greatful to his teachers and couldn't thank them enough for all of their amazing hard work this year I can't wait till next year!!  So for now we will enjoy our summer!!

you think you know but you have no idea!

I have always been really kid friendly, I have never really understood but kids just seem to flock to me.  I can be in the middle of the store and babies, and little toddlers are smiling and cooing and talking to me!!  They stare at me like im Santa! lol  I love being kid friendly.  It makes me wonder why I haven't seen my calling before now?  It's always been clear if I think back and really look at my life and I see clearly what my path has always been!  Ashton has changed my life in so many ways!  He has made me a better mom and I love him even more for that!  It's worried me that because of Ashton's Autism status that his big brother gets put on the back burner!  Now I am a very fair mom and I do not love one more than the other.  But I do worry that maybe I am a bit more laid back with Ashton.  I do not play favorites but I think with Ashton's Autism I just allow him to get away with more.  And with that I am scared that Taylor will grow up and resent Ashton for his disability!  How do I stop that??  Taylor is such an amazing big brother, he is sweet and caring and protective toward his little brother.  He helps him with everything, books, coloring, toys, games, movies! EVERYTHING!  He also helps me with Ashton.  He is such a huge support to me and Ashton.  But what if he grows up and then gets upset with all the extra attention Ashton gets?  How do I explain to him that this extra attention is a neccesity for Ashton's development.  Advice is appreciated and I look forward to your feedback!

It's part of parenting!

Well it happens on occasion, I do all I can to make sure that my boys get the very best care from me.  But every once in a while I lose control.  I get a splitting headache because nothing I do seems to help Ashton.  I do everything that I can to make him better or calm, but nothing helps!  My head is aching my eyes hurt and then I lose my temper! I think it's normal to lose control over screaming kids sometimes.  But my delima is what do I do when I lose control with an Autistic child?  How do I calm myself fast enough that I don't take it out on him.  I won't hit him out of anger or anything but I yell and scream sometimes! I can't stop myself at times.  I find myself getting red and hot from anger because he just won't stop.  What next?  How do I handle this?  Is it wrong to yell at him or get angry?  I understand that some of his problem is just who he is but still I can't stop myself from getting mad somedays!  I feel so horrible when I lash out at him like that! He is after all just a baby!  Does it make me a bad parent to yell at my autistic son?

A new outlook on life

I never knew there were so many amazing people out there!  So many wonderful men, women, and children just doing their part to lend a helping hand.  I went to the special Olympics for the school district today! It was such an uplifting experience, I wouldn't miss it for the world!  There were so many volunteers from around the town, parents, teachers, high school students, nurses, coaches.  It was so wonderful to be apart of it.. I originally went there to watch my sons class participate. But as the morning went by I became more than an observer! I became a volunteer!  I was in there with the teachers helping the kids play the games and leading them to the next line.  I fell in love over and over again today.  Every child that was there today has stolen a piece of my heart!!!  I was no longer just a person to them I was now a friend, a helper, a teacher.  I have spent a lot of time in prayer and in deep thought about my purpose in life.  And although it has taken a few months I know that this is my job.  My goal in life is to help special needs children, help them to make a stand and be who they are in life.  I want to help my son along with any other child that I can.  So this is my path.  This is the job that God has put me in this world for!  I am so thrilled that I can't wait to get started on my new destiny.  My love, and my life to be served to God by helping others in need.  I am so blessed to have been given this opportunity, and I thank the good Lord above for showing me the new path that my life will take.  I will be here for anyone who needs a friendly voice, or chat, advice, or just someone to vent to.  I am going to be doing a lot of research and look into some college courses to help me achieve my goals.  My son has been such an inspiration to me. He is my heart, and soul, along with his brother.  My children have given me purpose and I am so grateful to them!!

random thoughts

Every morning Ashton wakes up and goes straight to the t.v and tells me momma I pay baw!  Which is Ashton speak for he wants to play ball.  He loves to play bowling on the wii.  It has become an obsession with him.  He gets very focused and just plays until I finally have to go and turn it off!  Then he says no momma I pay baw..  Once he gets ready for school then he finally stops asking about the wii, and gets excited about school!  He loves school, the special education department here is amazing.  I am so blessed to have so many wonderful supportive friends and family around us. Ashton has an amazing support system, it says alot about the people around us.  God has blessed us in more ways than we can even imagine..  Everything happens for a reason, and I thank God that I have this amazing life..  I have an amazing husband who works hard so that I can stay home and give my kids the full attention that they need especially Ashton.. I have two amazing kids that I couldn't live without and they fight like normal brothers do but they are so close and love each other so much.  I am so happy to have my family and so amazed at how well our family and friends have adjusted to Ashton and his Autism.   

Some things that you should know!

First off it's not okay to tell me how to discipline my son.  If you have not had a child with Autism then please keep your disciplinary advice to yourself.  I have a certain method to how I handle Ashton when he is upset or having a tantrum.  It does not involve spanking and screaming.  I calmly get down on his level and explain that his behavior is unacceptable.  Of course I use words that he understands and I follow a routine on discipline.  With Autistic children a routine is very necessary.  Any daily task that does not follow routine can throw a child far off course.  So when doing something different with Ashton I prepare myself mentally for the task at hand..  I make sure I know that where ever we go together there could be two possible outcomes..  And yes one involves kicking and screaming( by Ashton not me lol ) After I mentally prepare myself for the possible outcome of the day then the day seems to go by smoother..I also make sure I bring things that Ashton is familiar with. i.e: toys, books, movies, games.. Things that he uses in his normal routine!!  Once I have managed to get myself ready I then prepare Ashton..  I will get him excited about our trip by saying in a very excited tone, Ashton are you ready to go bye bye! Were gonna go have fun are you ready!  I have noticed people staring at us when we are out around town shopping or eating.  They give us dirty looks for the way Ashton is behaving.  For the most part I just ignore them, they don't know that my son has a problem and so I just try to enjoy myself with my family..  Sometimes I will vent to my husband about the stares or the mumbles but there is not much that I can do! I figure if I was in their shoes I would probably have done things the same way..  In fact I have!  Before Ashton was diagnosed I gave quite a few stares and mumbled words about kids behavior never once thinking it could be something more!! But now that I have seen the light I try to use my best judgement in our situation!  My hope for the future is for everyone to be tolerant and understanding towards kids with disabilities.  Be kind and patient and if you don't know then just ask..  Most moms of Autistic children are eager and willing to educate someone on their child's behalf. I know I am!! So if ever you want to know something about Ashton just ask me!! I will do my very best to give you all the facts I know!!
Thank you for understanding!!

Special Olympics

I recently got a notice in my sons folder from school saying he was eligable to compete in the speacial olympics.  I was worried for two reasons!  1. Ashton is very sensitive with games, he loves to play but like any average 3 year old he does not like to share.. 2. Because he only has partial Autism and I was worried that if he won anything then it might be taking away from a child whi is much worse off then he is..  I don't want anyone to get left out because he isn't quite as handicapped as the others.  Am I wrong for feeling this way?  I talked to his teacher about it and she encouraged me to allow Ashton to compete and so I agreed to allow him to compete in the games!  I have gotten so excited over the last couple of weeks, just waiting for it to be the day of the olympic games and I couldn't be happier now that I have decided to let him play..  He is such an amazing little boy and I know he will do great even if he just runs in circles! (lol) I am so proud of him and everything he has accomplished.  I am proud of myself to for learning new skills to help him succeed in life.  My life although hard at times is so full of Love and happiness!! I will let everyone know how it goes at the special olympics I am anxious to find out myself.  Thank you for your support to my wonderful family and friends! I know Ashton has a tough road ahead but he also has such an amazing support system and that is better than anything!!  I find it hard to believe that anyone could feel ashamed or dissappointed in these wonderful amazing special needs kids! I think they are so wonderful and I am proud to say I am a mom of one!! I support him 100% and would love to hear anyones story if they would like to share it with me!!

The start of our long journey

Oct, 2006 seemed like a normal month for me!  I had my husband, and a 5 year old little boy.  My life was full of love and laughter.  After 5 years of being a family of three my husband and I decided we wanted another baby.  Our first attempt turned out to be our worst nightmare at that time.  6 weeks into my pregnancy I had a misscarriage.  It was strange and hard to handle but we made it through and figured we would wait for a while before we tried again.  Much to our surprise the Lord had other plans for us,  on Feb 23, 2007 I found out that I was pregnant!!  Overjoyed doesn't begin to cover our feelings!  It was the last thing on my mind so I never thought about the possiblity.  But it also had me worried and frightend at the possible chance of losing this baby like I lost the last one..  We passed the safety zone and were so excited with the news of our growing family.  My oldest was so excited about being a big brother he couldn't talk of anything else for days.  We always had such a close bond between the three of us and we were so ready to add the fourth member of our family.  My due date was October 30, 2007 and I was so excited because that was one day before my birthday.  I started having a little trouble with my pregnancy when I was about 2 months along.  Horrible morning sickness, no appitite, elevated blood pressure, swelling in my ankles, acid reflux! Things I never exsperienced in my first pregnancy, it was so different from everything..  With all of the troubles I was having health wise it put alone of strain on my marriage.  I was always sick and tired, never had any energy and that was a big blow to my husband.  We would argue constantly (away from my 5 yr old) and then I would always feel worse, my insides would be in balls and knots..  I had alot of stress induced issues and it only seemed to be getting worse.  I was put on bedrest twice in my third trimester and told that my blood pressure needed to stablize or I was going to have to be put in the hospital.  I was lucky enough that I did not have to be hospitalized thank the good Lord.  I was scheduled to have my labor induced on October 20th, My husband had a shift work job and to ensure that he would be there we made sure schedule the induction around his days off.  I was checked into the hospital at 9:15pm 10/20/07, the progress was very slow when I was making any at all.  I was at a standstill it seemed my body was rejecting the meds to start my labor.  After being forced to walk around for an hour my labor finally started.  I was in the delivery room from 9:15pm on the 20th till 9:51pm on the 21st.  But it was worth it once I saw that little face staring at me..  He was an angel, a beautiful wide eyed little boy.  Ashton was the name we decided on for him.  Ashton seemed so perfect and he was of course.  When we took him home after 2 days of being in the hospital, so ready to have our family together for the first time!  As the days turned into weeks I started to notice so strange behavior in Ashton.  He was always mad or crying.  The lightest cough or sound would scare him and he would scream.  I couldn't talk, or sing, cough, or sneeze, it was so hard to be so quiet all the time..  As time went on I noticed other differences in Ashton than other kids his age.   When most babies were sitting up or trying to scoot across the floor, Ashton was content to just lie there and watch the room around him.  He didn't say his first word till he was about 17months old. In between his infantsy and 2 yrs old he developed as if he were raised by wolves.  He stayed away from everyone except me and his big brother! He even shied away from his dad (my husband), he would scream if anyone talked to him or made a loud noise.  He would get upset at the drop of a pin.  Nothing I ever did seemed to help calm him down so I just gave up on myself!! Ashton would talk he wouldn't let me bathe him, or feed him, he was so independant that it made it almost impossible to do anythig for him.  At ashton's 2 year check up we were reffered to the ECI (early childhood intervention) to see if he qualiffied for speech.  He started speech shortly after his 2nd birthday and we saw so many amazing improvements to his behavior and his mood.  We were informed that because of his speech delay he would be overly aggressive .  If you weren't able to talk and tell people what you needed or wanted then you would be upset too.  I started teaching Ashton sign language and that proved to be a big help.  He was able to communicate a bit better through the few words that he learned in SL.  But he grew very tired of that and wouldn't cooperate anymore!  Right before he turned 3 years old his ECI social worker and myself went to the local preschool for an evaluation to see if he would qualify for a spot in the school.  Ashton Started school on October 24 2010 on a trial baises to have further evaluation on him from a speech patholigist and a child physchologist. In December 2010 I was called for an ARD meeting at the school to determine whether Ashton would be able to stay in school or if he would be booted out.  While there his teacher, the principle, speech patholigist, and child physchologist all gave me reports on Ashton's daily behavior in class and outside of class.  Then came the dreaded news that no one wants to hear!! Your son has Autism!! I had looked it up a time or two trying to figure out why Ashton was so angry all the time, it didn't seem to fit.  But they explained to me that he doesn't have full blown (Rain Man) Autism, he has partial Autism.  He was 3 yrs old and was developing like an average 2 yr old.  His speech was on target with the average 1 1/2 yr old and he was developing at a slow rate..  His ability to comprehend and listen to others was severely behind his age.  I asked myself the question that I am sure most parents do at this point!!  What did I do to give this to my son?  What I done wrong in my pregnancy or labor?  How could I have prevented this?  I was heartbroken that my beautiful little boy was disabled, how would other kids treat him?  How would he develope?  What were the best ways for me to help him?  So many questions that I couldn't make my mouth ask.  Frozen in time and space trying to wrap my head around what I felt like was a tradgedy!  After several minutes I snapped out of it and began to listen to their advice and concerns.  Upon leaving the school I found myself in tears, I was afraid of what I did not know..  I knew nothing about Autism other than what I had seen in a few movies.  At home I was imediately comforted by my friend/neighbor.  She understood what I was feeling having had an Autistic granddaughter herself..  She helped me to understand that this was not something that I did nor could I have prevented it.  It is apart of who Ashton is and he is perfect the way God made him.. After days and days of denial and research I finally just stopped.  I told myself that it didn't matter what my son had or didn't have he was still my baby.  After learning some discipline techniques and teaching methods Ashton began to ease up on his tantrums.  He was easier to handle and take places.  He laughed more and explored more.  His teachers enjoy his presence at school because he is so happy now all of the time.  He is just so amazing and smart and bright it makes me wonder why I ever had a doubt about his potential.  Now Ashton is almost 4 and he has changed so much in the last year that most people wouldn't realize it was the same kid even if they held a picture by him!  He is so happy and loving.  He still has his fits of rage and tantrums but they are easier to handle now that I know how too!  I am educating myself and everyone around me on Autism awareness.  It's not easy sometimes but I feel this is my mission from God! To teach others about the possibilities of Autistic children, and to help my amazing son grow up to be all he can be in this world!! This is the start of a very long road ahead!  It won't be easy but with God and family and friends all things are possible!